Glossary

The care people give each other after an intense scene. Checking in, comfort, coming back down together. An essential part of doing things well.

An umbrella for a set of related kinks: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. Less a single thing than a wide field. Always built on consent and negotiation.

Restraining the body for pleasure, connection or play, with rope, cuffs or other gear. Always agreed beforehand, and a core part of the B in BDSM.

The joy you feel seeing a partner happy with someone else. Often described as the opposite of jealousy.

Ongoing, enthusiastic, freely-given agreement. The foundation everything here is built on.

Roles in a consensual power dynamic: one person takes the lead, the other gives it over. It's agreed, negotiated, and only ever as much as both people want.

An arrangement where partners agree not to share the details of outside relationships. Works for some, not for others.

The umbrella term for any relationship style involving more than one romantic or sexual connection, openly and with everyone's consent.

Choosing to forgo barriers with a partner. It's a decision about intimacy and trust, made knowingly, and it affects everyone connected.

Good, giving, and game: Dan Savage's shorthand for being a considerate partner. Good in bed, giving of pleasure, game to try things within reason. An attitude, not a checklist.

A hard limit is a firm no, never on the table. A soft limit is a maybe. Something approached carefully, if at all. Naming them is part of the conversation that comes first.

Whether someone structures their relationships with different levels of priority, or treats them as equal.

Kink involving striking the body for sensation. Spanking, flogging, paddling and the like. Negotiated and consensual, with limits and a safeword agreed first.

The uncomfortable feeling that a partner's other connection threatens yours. Normal, not a failure. Here it's treated as something to talk through, not hide. (See also: compersion.)

Another name for shibari: the art of Japanese rope bondage. Often used to emphasise the intimate, connection-focused side of the practice.

A broad word for sexual interests, dynamics and play that sit outside the conventional script. It covers a lot of ground, from power exchange to sensation and restraint. Almost all of it rests on consent, negotiation and care rather than the dramatic on-screen version.

A style where everyone, partners and metamours alike, is comfortable enough to sit around the same table together.

A common, low-key way swingers refer to swinging and the community around it. "In the lifestyle" means part of that world.

Your partner's other partner.

A relationship between someone monogamous and someone polyamorous, by mutual agreement.

Mostly monogamous, with room for some openness by agreement. Coined by Dan Savage.

A casual, social, often public meetup for kink-interested people. Usually no play involved. A relaxed way to meet the community.

The conversation that happens before play, where people agree on what they want, what is off the table, and how to stop. It is treated as part of the experience rather than a hurdle to get past.

A partner you live with.

The intense excitement of a new connection. Real, lovely, and worth not making big decisions on.

A rule in some mixed-gender non-monogamous relationships that allows additional female partners but not additional male ones, so the original man stays the only one. It is widely criticised for putting a couple's comfort ahead of everyone's autonomy, and plenty of people in ENM reject it for that reason.

A relationship, often a couple, that's open to romantic or sexual connections with other people.

A catch-all for sexual or kink activity, especially in social or group settings. "Playing together" means whatever a couple or group has agreed to.

A social event where people can take part in sexual or kink play, within agreed rules and a clear consent culture. Some lean bold and explicit, others are milder, and most set house rules worth reading first. What happens is always whatever those involved have agreed to.

Having more than one romantic relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge and agreement. From poly (many) and amor (love).

A connected network of people in non-monogamous relationships. Partners, partners' partners, and so on. Like "molecule," for the shape these connections make.

An agreed dynamic where one person takes a degree of control and another gives it over. It runs from light and scene-based through to deeper, ongoing arrangements, and it only ever covers what both people have negotiated.

Language some people use to describe how relationships are prioritised. Plenty of people reject the ranking entirely.

A committed, significant relationship that isn't romantic or sexual in the conventional sense, but is deeper than what "friendship" usually means.

Rejecting fixed rules and hierarchies between relationships, letting each find its own shape.

The person doing the tying in rope bondage.

Taking on characters or scenarios by agreement, as a form of play. The roles and limits are set in advance, the same as anything else here.

The person being tied. An active, trusting role. Not a passive one.

An agreed word that stops everything, immediately, no questions asked. The thing that makes trust possible.

A single agreed-upon experience or session of play, with a beginning and an end. What happens in it is negotiated beforehand.

The art of Japanese rope bondage, also called kinbaku. The body is tied with rope in ways that can be aesthetic, intimate, meditative or part of a power dynamic. Rope carries real physical risk, so it is something to learn carefully from experienced people rather than from an article.

Degrees of swinging. Soft swap is limited play with others (where couples set the line). Full swap goes further. The line is wherever everyone agrees it is.

Practising polyamory without a primary partner or merged life (shared home, finances). Independence by design.

Typically partnered people socialising and connecting with others, often together and often in social settings.

Someone who moves between dominant and submissive roles, rather than staying in one.

A committed relationship between three people.

A relationship between three people who are each involved with one another, rather than a third person joining an existing couple. It tends to emphasise three equal connections, with no one treated as an add-on. Often used interchangeably with throuple, though many people draw this distinction.

A single person, often a bisexual woman, who joins a couple. The word's a bit tongue-in-cheek. A nod to how sought-after and rare the dynamic can be.

Sex or relationships without kink. Not an insult. Just one end of a wide range.

An agreement where one partner can call a stop to another relationship. Some couples use it. Plenty reject it as controlling. Either way, it's something to be clear about up front.

Dripping warm candle wax onto the skin for sensation. Like all play here, negotiated first. That includes the kind of wax and where it goes.

A simple tool for negotiating play: you each mark activities as a yes, a no, or a maybe, then compare. Takes the guesswork out of what everyone's up for.